Time Out!

We've often said that parenting toddler/pre-school behavior is like training dogs: reward the good and use cause and effect.

We still feel secure in that belief, especially when we see little Johnny take another kid's toy and Mommy says, "No no Johnny, you shouldn't take". Then when the poor kid who had their toy swiped reaches to take back what was rightfully in his possesion, sweet little Johnny pushes him - and Mommy says, "No no Johnny, we don't push".

Well mommy, you might not, but your sweet little Johnny does. And until you teach him that pushing=consequence (you'd be amazed at how fast a tiny humn learns such a big word!), he's going to keep on taking and pushing. (And you'll get less and less invites to playdate).

So, what's the 'consequence'? I have a lot of thoughts on that whole thing (and usually we can say a lot with our tones and never have to raise our voice even) But, let me ask you: have you ever used a time-out? We have. But saying you use 'time-out' is like saying you use sweetner: honey, stevia, molasses, agave, or ....sugar...sweet'n low.....aspartame.... (dun dun dun)

Some are better than others. Some are healthy; some are destructive.

Today I had a real ah-ha moment at a parenting small group. It was being said that when we use time-outs in a way that isolates the child (ie: "Go to your room", "sit in this corner in the other room" etc) we are actually saying to our precious children, "If you want to be near me, if you want to be accepted with us, then you need to behave. When you misbehave we will isolate you". We are associating our acceptence and nearness to them with behavior.

Are you as stunned as I am?

Of course we use time-outs. Sometimes it is in a way that is isolating. Sometimes it is not. I do try to keep the child in the room, or say "I guess you better come in here with me since you are not behaving in there". But just yesterday we were out for lunch and one of my little ones was just having a really hard time keeping hands to herself, sitting up, being far too loud... so I took her out to the van.

The day before that another sweet angel of mine had been interrupting what seemed like ALL day, with everyone I talked to. (I'm sure it wasn't, but I certainly felt that way!) Repeatedly saying she was thirsty while someone else was talking at dinner was the last straw. So for a few minutes she was sent to her room.
Did it work? Well, yes - it 'worked' on their behaviors.
But what did we teach them?

We taught them that when they misbehave they aren't welcome in our presence.

I am choked up thinking about it.

I was telling all of this to Nate tonight, and said, "Wow. Just like when we mess up we feel we are isolated from God and can't be in His presence. I wonder where that comes from!"

Such truth. When we mess up in our own lives, instead of feeling that we can turn to God as a loving Father whose arms are open wide to welcome us home and graciously help us with our struggles and carry our burdens, we feel isolated from Him and as though we can NOT turn to Him.

Where does that come from? Certainly not from the Bible I read. Certainly not from the Truth I know of God, but simply (or not so simply) from my own emotions, guilt, head-talk. Maybe from my own experiences with authority?

So which do we want to portray to our children? Which do we hope our God to be?
A God who isolates or a Father who in His presence rebukes us in love, offers correction and discipline, all while loving us and holding us close to him in gracious loving arms.
I'm pretty sure you would choose the same as me.

Evidence

Today I have evidence that reading someone else's blog can be totally inspirational! (I have one friend in particular who refuses to read any blogs at all-There's really no good reason for it either). Maybe if she did she would have a dinner like this!

So I had already pulled out the chicken: I had a hanker'n for Chicken Pot Pie.

I had a bit of down time today, so I was reading my friend's blog. She changed it a while back and I hadn't had a chance to look at it yet, so I was catching up a little. Well low and behold, what should I stumble across but Chicken Pot Pie - in homemade bread bowls no less! DELICIOUS! I was inspired - and here's the result:


Here are the links if you want to try it!

Bread Bowls
Chicken Pot Pie

Thanks Robin for a deliciously warm and comforting meal!

Something's Cooking

Today's Monday, and I'm exhausted.

I know, right? We just had the weekend and so I should be well-rested and ready to take on the week. Well, I'm not. Or I wasn't anyways. And then for some reason I just got motivated. Here's what happened:

Butter Tarts - there's no escaping the brown sugar. However, once in a while I indulge.

Beer Bread - I use spelt flour and honey

And of course some home-made Birtch Farm's apple pie. Larissa decided on a star for Landon and to remind us that there is a special surprise in the middle of the apple, also reminding us that Christmas is coming! (Yes, I said it: Christmas. Christmas. Christmas. Christmas.)

So what really happened? I'll be honest - it's that sweet little reminder named Josie Stahle. I'm still in awe of God's grace and goodness in giving her life and blessing us all with it. Now I know that I will never forget the words from her wise Daddy just days after her birth: "We've sure learned to take things moment-to-moment and appreciate every one. You know it makes you stop and think about all the stupid things we say, like: 'I just want this day to be over';'this day was so long, thank God it's over';'I hate Mondays'. You know, whatever it is we say, we really take life for granted".

Wow huh? I can't tell you how often I hear those words now as I catch myself not living in and appreciating the moments. How precious and fleeting our time here really is.

We all know we're mortals; we just like to pretend we're not. But let's stop pretending. Let's live out today, enjoying it, making the most of it; whatever that means to you.

"Good Boy/Bad Boy"

Being 'good'.

It's been on my mind a lot lately.

All too often I am hearing a child being told they are a "good boy" or a "bad boy" and something in me cringes.

I know that most of us say things without realizing what it is we're actually saying, believe me, I know I do it all the time! And it's an area I'm working on. Mommies and Daddies: please take my encouragements and hear my love for you and your child!

I know it's not intentional that a lot us parents qualify our child's identity with their behavior, and the truth is that not everyone has an ECE worker for a mother (like yours truly). I credit this sensitivity to her! So in case no one else will ever tell you, please let me!

When your 2 year old isn't listening to you and runs in the opposite direction he is NOT a "bad boy". Yes, his behavior is disobedient and you need to correct him but that's our job as parents, to teach that character of obedience.

When your 3 year old hits another child for not giving them the toy or cookie they want, she is not a "bad girl". Her behavior is certainly bad, but your child is not.

When we call a child bad we are telling them something about who they are as a person. They aren't bad, they are kids and they need to learn and it is our responsibility and privilege to teach them. So teach them well parents. Teach them that they are loved and adored. Teach them that you love them always and that they can be secure in your love. When they behave badly, tell them they are behaving badly but please, please don't tell them that they are bad. Reward good behavior and teach them that bad choices and bad behavior has consequences.

A Pastor that we respect says, "Choose to sin; choose to suffer". Wise.

We tell our kids, "Choose to obey or choose a consequence". They choice is theirs. That empowers them and tells them "Son, I know you're smart." Nagging and threatening our kids tells them we think they're stupid because we have to keep telling them over and over again to do something, or not to do something - and it just frustrates us and them! (Thank you Dr. Kevin Leman for that one)

Let me put it this way: If you didn't meet expectations at your workplace, and your boss came to you and said, "John, you've made some bad business choices. You're workplace is a mess. John, you are a bad person". .... that just doesn't even make sense, does it? Everything in you would probably cry out 'injustice! I am still a good person!'. Your little Johnny, and mine. might feel the same way only they don't have the years or the wisdom to know that, and so they WILL believe they are bad - especially if their Mommy and Daddy are telling them that they are.

Anyways, I'm always learning so much and realizing so many areas where I fall short. I hope I never sound like I think I know it all, because I sure don't. I really want correction in my life, and I really will take all the advice I can get to be the best Mommy I can be! My heart is only to share with you the wisdom I've received and pray that your parenting experience will be a joyful one!

Story Of My Life

You can never do it all
and you can never please everyone!

This is the story of my life: Trying to do it all and trying to please everyone (all at the same time, no less). An impossible task, I know. Am I that foolish that I just keep attempting it?

The one who ends up the most upset when I fail is always me.

I think I have some serious people-pleasing issues I need to deal with.

Any good resource suggestions? I'll take all the help I can get!

Thank You!

If you know us at all, or have been reading this blog then you've probably figured out that we've been in a season of really exploring our journey in life, and our journey with God and faith.

There have been many ups and downs, frustrations and disappointments, but also many liberties and victories. None of which have come easily or without some degree of cost. While we are pursuing God's will for us and learning to live in Father's love, I just want to take a minute to thank you.

To those of you who have been patient with us (and perhaps especially with me) while we search out our hearts, a great big THANK YOU! Sometimes it's hard to walk with people, especially "crackpots" (as one friends like to refer to us!), who are perhaps too honest about their struggles.

Thank you to those of you who have loved us through the struggles as we wrestle with asking uncomfortable questions.

Thank you to those of you who have not judged us as we've been working things out.

Thank you to those of you who have encouraged us to not just follow a system of religious duties and obligations but to seek out what God is teaching us and whispering to our hearts.

Thank you to our friends who have helped us feel liberated to say "no" sometimes, and to not operate out of guilt or manipulation.

Thank you to our dear friends who have challenged us to live in freedom and question us in "the way we've always done it".

And thank you to those of you who know us enough to know our heart's desire is only to pursue Christ and never to be critical. Even if we have been at times, it is never our intention, so thank you for knowing and trusting that God will reveal that to us as we seek him.

And to those who have affirmed our passions and desires and encouraged us to follow them: THANK YOU!

I was thinking a lot yesterday as I was having the battle in my mind caring about what others were thinking of me/us (that's a blog for another time!), that it's funny how as "Christians" we celebrate when people of other faith question their beliefs and religion, but when we ourselves ask questions that challenge the system that we've established, it puts people's backs up.

Look, we're all messed up to some degree or another. We all have our hangups and our struggles. None of us are perfect. Especially me!

Let's love each other by loving each other, even when it's uncomfortable.

Do I Have To? (more on living loved)

I hope you got something out of my last post. It was part of a powerful, liberating read for me. I'm still reading the book I took that out of, actually, that is just in the beginning. So I will be sure to write more as I reflect. I won't continue copying the whole book, because, well, that would be illegal I think!
I am on this journey and feel so close to finally "getting it" about God's love. Things I've always known in my heart and spirit but just wasn't able to express or put into words. Probably because it's just something you(I) need to experience not just know, or believe, or be taught. As Christians I feel we're often handed this recipe card, so-to-speak, on knowing God, hearing from Him and being loved by Him. And therein lies the crux of the problem: I'm taught and believe that those things are things to be found, acquired, learned. When in fact they are just there already, not to be attained or achieved. See, it's hard to put into words, let's just say I'm finally learning how to live loved.
But here are some thoughts and notes on the follow-up to my previous post. If you haven't read it, maybe you should.

DO I HAVE TO?
In my observation, those who seek to follow God only because they don't want to go to hell never discover how incredible a Father he really is. They see Christianity as an onerous burden and don't want to do one bit more than they absolutely must.
When someone is struggling with desiring something that Scripture marks out of bounds for the believer, we ask what we should do. If we/they are told what the Bible seems to say, do we ever feel somewhat disappointed, as if to look for some sort of loophole? I mean, so many people who have been raised with religion want to find a way to have what they want and not end up in hell.
"Do I have to stay in this marriage if I don't want to go to hell?"
"Do I have to forgive the person who hurt me, to be saved?"
"Do I have to give up this habit, to be saved?"
*How do you answer those kind of questions? They are totally unfair. If you say yes, you can do what you want then you empty the cross of it's power by substituting human effort. If you say no, people will use it as an excuse to indulge in a false notion of what it means to live in God.
These kinds of questions actually reveal how far removed Christianity has become from its central purpose. Instead of desiring to walk in friendship with him, we are only preoccupied with securing his goodies.
It's his blessing we want, not him!!! How painful that must be for him.
It would be like inviting your adult child over for dinner. He hesitates a moment. It's obvious he'd rather not come, but before he answers he wants to know something, "Mom, I guess I could come but I've got other things I'd like to do. Will you write me out of your will if I don't come?"
What answer can a mother/father give to that question? None would suffice since the question misses the whole point of relationship. True, God has the best goodies in the universe, but the person who seeks those without desiring to know him misses out on the real life of the kingdom.
That is exactly what those of us who wonder if we must do something or risk our salvation. They don't want one drop more of God's life than the minimum required to escape hell. How tragic! No wonder they missed the best gift God could give them. Jesus wanted so desperately to free them from the tyranny of trying to earn eternal life by their own religious efforts.
All this is not to say that hell does not exist, nor that dire consequences await those who refuse God's freedom. What I (Wayne) am saying is that when we use the threat of hell to motiviate people to come to God, we're using it in a way Jesus never did and in a way he never intended. In doing so, we push people further away from God's greatest desire, rather than inviting them closer to it.
The message of Christ was not to come to God or you'll burn in hell. His message was the God's kingdom has come near you and you can become a participant in it. You have a Father who loves you more than any other person ever has or ever will, and you can now discover what it means to have a daily relationship with him. If not, then your own sin will destroy you utterly and completely
There is no one that God does not love with all that he is. His love reaches beyond every sin and failure, hoping that at some moment they will come to know just how loved they are.
There is nothing more important for you to know.

*(Much of this taken from Wayne Jacobsen)