Time Out!

We've often said that parenting toddler/pre-school behavior is like training dogs: reward the good and use cause and effect.

We still feel secure in that belief, especially when we see little Johnny take another kid's toy and Mommy says, "No no Johnny, you shouldn't take". Then when the poor kid who had their toy swiped reaches to take back what was rightfully in his possesion, sweet little Johnny pushes him - and Mommy says, "No no Johnny, we don't push".

Well mommy, you might not, but your sweet little Johnny does. And until you teach him that pushing=consequence (you'd be amazed at how fast a tiny humn learns such a big word!), he's going to keep on taking and pushing. (And you'll get less and less invites to playdate).

So, what's the 'consequence'? I have a lot of thoughts on that whole thing (and usually we can say a lot with our tones and never have to raise our voice even) But, let me ask you: have you ever used a time-out? We have. But saying you use 'time-out' is like saying you use sweetner: honey, stevia, molasses, agave, or ....sugar...sweet'n low.....aspartame.... (dun dun dun)

Some are better than others. Some are healthy; some are destructive.

Today I had a real ah-ha moment at a parenting small group. It was being said that when we use time-outs in a way that isolates the child (ie: "Go to your room", "sit in this corner in the other room" etc) we are actually saying to our precious children, "If you want to be near me, if you want to be accepted with us, then you need to behave. When you misbehave we will isolate you". We are associating our acceptence and nearness to them with behavior.

Are you as stunned as I am?

Of course we use time-outs. Sometimes it is in a way that is isolating. Sometimes it is not. I do try to keep the child in the room, or say "I guess you better come in here with me since you are not behaving in there". But just yesterday we were out for lunch and one of my little ones was just having a really hard time keeping hands to herself, sitting up, being far too loud... so I took her out to the van.

The day before that another sweet angel of mine had been interrupting what seemed like ALL day, with everyone I talked to. (I'm sure it wasn't, but I certainly felt that way!) Repeatedly saying she was thirsty while someone else was talking at dinner was the last straw. So for a few minutes she was sent to her room.
Did it work? Well, yes - it 'worked' on their behaviors.
But what did we teach them?

We taught them that when they misbehave they aren't welcome in our presence.

I am choked up thinking about it.

I was telling all of this to Nate tonight, and said, "Wow. Just like when we mess up we feel we are isolated from God and can't be in His presence. I wonder where that comes from!"

Such truth. When we mess up in our own lives, instead of feeling that we can turn to God as a loving Father whose arms are open wide to welcome us home and graciously help us with our struggles and carry our burdens, we feel isolated from Him and as though we can NOT turn to Him.

Where does that come from? Certainly not from the Bible I read. Certainly not from the Truth I know of God, but simply (or not so simply) from my own emotions, guilt, head-talk. Maybe from my own experiences with authority?

So which do we want to portray to our children? Which do we hope our God to be?
A God who isolates or a Father who in His presence rebukes us in love, offers correction and discipline, all while loving us and holding us close to him in gracious loving arms.
I'm pretty sure you would choose the same as me.