LOST

No no, not the TV show (although I could write a book about the things that I have learned from that show. Judge away).

Here is the definition of lost: –adjective

1. no longer possessed or retained

2. no longer to be found: lost articles.

3. having gone astray or missed the way; bewildered as to place, direction, etc..

I have been thinking a lot about Lilli being lost. Where is she? What is she doing? Is she alive? Does someone else have her? What is she feeling? Does she miss us? Is she trying/wanting to get home to us? Does she even realize that she isn't with us or is lost?

And of course, as I wander the streets in the middle of the night (don't worry, cell phone in hand. Plus I'm pretty tough :) ), I am talking to God and listening for him.

Paul writes to the Philippians that "it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose".

God has a purpose, a goal, and he never stops perusing it. At least that is what I see.

There are a series of parables that Jesus talks about in Luke 15 about a lost sheep, a lost coin, a lost son. And here is what I have recently realized: these stories are not ultimately about things being lost. Instead, they are about things being found. Jesus is teaching us about a God who doesn't give up until everything that was lost is found.

We might never find our Lilli girl. But we won't give up! I may not wander the streets in the middle of the night anymore, but we will keep calling her name, and we will keep our eyes open, and we will trust our God to care for her. And if he cares for her, how much more does he care for us?

Please Come Back Cat

This is our baby girl, Lilli. We love her very much, as any other pet-owner can relate. She has been missing from inside our warm, dry, protected, loving walls since last Wednesday. We have spent many many hours looking for her.
Animals were made for the outdoors. And she so desperately wanted to be outside. We kept her in the safety of our home as long as we could. But I always felt that we were doing her a great injustice. She was made to be outside, and she knew it! It's one thing if the animal does not want to go outside, it's another thing when it tries to run out each time the door opens. That was our Lilli. But we were so nervous to let her out.

Finally this year we decided that if she wanted to go out so badly, it might be safer to let her out when we were outside with her and could keep an eye on her. We thought that if we gave her some freedom and cared for her well, then she would be happy to go every-so-often and wouldn't escape and run away. This had been working until last week.

We figure she snuck (I know that is not a word) out of the house Wednesday morning, maybe when Nathan was leaving for work. She normally stays in our front garden, but I got called out of the house and when I came back I noticed she was gone. I also noticed that the maintenance people had been working on the grass etc. all day and all we can figure is that they scared her off.

We have done all kinds of things: made posters and put them up all over the neighborhood, called the shelters, called the city, put out kitty litter (it has her scent on it). I have even spent two nights searching in the quiet, wee hours of the morning (3-5am). All of these in vain.

So our baby is gone, for now. And we remember she is gone when no one is there to greet us at the door when we come in, or perch herself on the window ledge to say "good bye". We open our yogurt and no one comes running. I climb the stairs with nothing attacking my ankles. And no one is sleeping at the foot of our beds.

We are sad. We don't know why she ran off or what has happened to her.

But we know this: God loves His creation. God cares for His creation. God will bring good things from this. We have hope. We always have hope.

Hmm.

I have been thinking a lot about why I blog - because the truth is that it is a scrambled, messy assortment of what is going on in my head. I don't mean for it to be. But I am like an addict when it comes to honest expression. I just can't deny some things that I am thinking and feeling.
(I am just being honest, ha ha)

I have written before about wanting to express, having a creative space, wanting to share some of our endeavors in homeschooling (and prove to the doubters that we are capable and our kids are not only SOCIALIZED but educated!). And then I have had to have follow-up blog postings, apologizing because I may have offended some by talking about what my kids are doing. I write, I offend, I ask, I doubt, ....and then that's what it is: a mess.

I want so badly to write honestly. It bugs me to no end when I read blogs that are all pollished and nice and neatly done. You know, the shoes are shined, the shelves are dusted. Maybe that is the way that some people are. They never question things (especially of faith!), they aren't opinionated, they never raise their voice to their children or feel frustrated, and the cute confessions of laundry piles and stacks of dishes don't compensate for me. You know, the perfect mother/housewife deal. I'm too honest for that. I want to be all of Proverbs 31 and more! But I'm not there yet. I have a long ways to go.

When I read something like A Holy Experience I feel like I am reading about my dream-self. The person that I dream about being. The life I always dreamed I would have when I was "older" and "all grown up". And then I feel terrible guilt and embarassement about the things I write about. I so badly want to be an encouragement. I so badly want to write about things that matter, that will bless and edify Creation. But I just can't shut myself up. There's too much going on in my head most times and I need a place to spit it out.

So now I am regretting not starting a cute little blog that is all flowers and embedded with creatively expressed Truth.

And I regret not starting a secret blog that would be just for me and the lucky strangers who would stumble across it. That would be my "safe place" to puke out all my questions and thoughts. Maybe I will. Maybe I will start a new, secret blog and transfer anything I've written as on opinion or questioning there. And here you will see the shiny, spiritual, mature, happy homeschooling housewife.

See, I am a mess! :) Love me or leave me I guess.
Don't worry, I confuse myself!

Check marks, Gold stars, and Cell Phone Plans.

This is what it’s all about: WANTING to read God's word.

In light of Gods moving and stirring our hearts lately in new and amazing ways, we have been wanting to open our bibles, to dig deep, hear him, understand Him more and what he is teaching us. And guess what....
It’s not about a bible reading plan.

Honestly, I can’t stand them.
Please hear me when I say that we are not wanting to make anyone feel bad who has ever encouraged or done the bible reading plan check it off thing (we have!). However, it is becoming increasingly clear to us that when we attempt to adhere to these types of regimented programs, two things happen. First, once the initial excitement of getting into the bible on a daily basis wears off, we begin to suck the life out of the words that were intended to give us life. We begin reading the bible not to hear from God but to check off our bible and give ourselves a gold star. Sure, God can use these moments to speak to us, (and he does at times) but even we he is speaking to us we often quickly move on because we are “supposed” to read four more chapters still for that day or we can’t get our check mark. Really, how satisfying is a check mark anyway? Clearly it is no substitute for being led on a journey by the living and active father.
And then once the initial newness of “getting on a plan” wears off (sounds like a cell phone….is it “pay as you go”?…yes it is keep reading) we start to lose motivation and then the unthinkable happens. We miss a day! Quick call the church elders, call the prayer team, we have a crisis!!! We have been taught the following…we need time everyday in the word. Find a quiet place even if it is only for 15 minutes and read your bible and pray. A childhood song comes to mind…”Read your bible pray every day and you’ll grow grow grow”….something is missing from that to me. I can’t quite put my finger on it….

So the problem quickly becomes guilt. One missed day turns into 2. And then a week goes by and pretty soon we feel like terrible Christians. I don’t think the bible talks about getting on a bible reading plan. What comes to mind is Dueteronomy 11:18-20

“Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Write them on the door frames of your houses and on your gates”.

This sounds a lot different to me than getting on some type of plan but I guess it depends on your interpretation. To me this is explained as a lifestyle that weaves it’s way into our daily life….not a fifteen minute “quiet time”.
I am coming to realize that a deep desire and hunger to dig into the scriptures comes when we are inspired by revelation. Revelation comes when we are free and open to hear his voice, which by the way is ALWAYS speaking. We just aren’t always listening. We can only truly hear his voice when we quiet voices opposed to him. I.e. The news, the government, OTHER Christians, atheists, the bible….wait did i just write that? Yes, if we are simply reading words, instead of listening for a voice then we can actually be drowning him out.
So my recommendation…..get off the “plan” or you will “pay as you go”.
And this quote seemed fitting

“After a while, religious people can allow the words themselves to become part of the non-negotiables of their of their faith, and when this happens, arguments ensue, usually about words rather than about reality…At the very least, a religious obsession with theological phraseology can turn a thriving spiritual life into one that is dysfunctional and detached, deadened by an overdose of mental abstraction.”

The writer continues,

“…Christians must never treat theological study as our stairway to heaven. Finding the right words and phrases to express faith in Christ is not what saves us.” Bruxy Cavey

*A rare appearance made here by my husband who wrote this on a friend's blog. See the comment section if you would like to see my additional thoughts

Provoked To Thought

Today Nathan read an article in The National Post reviewing a book. This is a quote that has provoked us to further thought:

"He leaves readers with more questions because he hasn’t really done his job as a teacher, which is what a minister is supposed to be. Instead, he has become a provocateur."

The origin of the word 'provocateur' is 'challenger'.

So a teacher is not a challenger? A teacher is not someone that provokes you to thought? I suppose then a teacher does not ask questions, or inspire and require you to ask them yourself. No, a true teacher will tell you just what you should think then.

It is possible, that if the questions posed make some uncomfortable, then the one responsible for composing them or stirring them must be trying to cause dissension.

Well, that may be true sometimes. So which is it then? Is the person in fact a teacher, wanting you to search for the answers to difficult questions, rather than giving them all to you on a spoon?

Or, is the person simply getting his kicks from causing trouble?

I don't know. But I hope that I have provoked you to think before you swallow.

Or at least think about what you are swallowing.

It's Not Just What You Say, But HOW You Say It

C'mon, haven't we all heard that from our Mothers?

It's not just what you say, but HOW you say it.

And don't we all find ourselves repeating the things our Mothers told us? We vow not to, but it's inevitable. And So I have found these words exiting my mouth on several occasions the past little while.

I can't deny the truth in it. I absolutely hate it when someone says my name in a heated discussion. I'm not sure I can explain it well, but something like, "No Paula, that is not what I said". Or "Don't you think you're blowing it a little out of proportin, PAULA". I feel a little roar welling up inside me just thinking about it. I hate it hate it hate it. (That and "relax".)

So now that you know how to really get me going (please don't!), I have had these same words come back to me. Another "ah-ha" moment.

I recently found myself getting very frustrated lately with the kids. The girls naturally have little squabbles and bouts of bickering. They instinctively rip breakables out of their little brother's hand and shout "NO" at him when he's getting into their stuff. And I have been reacting.

I was telling my friend that I was saying all the same things that used to "work" and now didn't. Or when she would offer gracious parenting advice she was suggesting things I was already saying.

And then it hit me. It wasn't WHAT I was saying, it was HOW I was saying it.

Duh. How could I be so ignorant? I'm the pot calling the kettle black. I felt so foolish. My error was obvious and I felt so embarrassed and guilty.

When I had just one, or even two I was much more patient.

But I also had a lot more "free time". The girls napped, allowing me at least 1 1/2 hours in the afternoon to do things. And don't forget that amazing little thing called a morning nap! They were in bed by 7pm. Meals weren't quite so large and eaters weren't quite so 'opinionated', shall we say. Clothes seemed to stay cleaner longer. And I wasn't so tired all the time.

Now, with 3 little ones I am always doing something. I am always busy and so it's become my norm to parent from across the room, or the other room sometimes. My attention is often divided. When I need to I stop and deal with the issues, but my attitude is not compassion, understanding, or gentle. Forgive me Lord. I've gotten too busy. I need to reposition my priorities and focus. Slow down Paula. It's not just what I say, but how I say it. Stop. Squat down. Look in their eyes. Be gentle.

Deep breath.

I am learning. I don't hold the guilt for long. That's not walking in the freedom of Christ that I know is mine. I am sorry, and I am grateful for this revelation and loving correction from my Father. Thank you, thank you, thank you Lord for loving me gently into a better way to love.

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.
Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.

Galatians 5:1

Look Who's FIVE!

I can barely bring myself to write this. How can I be putting together a birthday blessing for my baby.... Age FIVE?! Five is a milestone. A big one. It is HUGE.
When my little girl was born, I held her so close all night long. Every minute that passed I remember thinking: "She's one minute older. Wow, the seconds are just ticking away". Then 4am came and I remember thinking, "this is the first 4am of her life!" It was Friday, and I naturally thought, "wow, I am holding someone who has never experienced a Friday!" then Saturday. Then Sunday. I thought about the time passing, and all her first, and seconds, and thirds ALL the time!

Nothing had ever touched those little hands before! I would begin thinking about how new she was all over again. I was purely and simply awestruck. Have you ever thought about how many things your hands touch in an hour, or a day. Now think about your life so far and how many different things that your hands have touched. It's a lot. So to comprehend just how pure and perfect and new she was was beyond me and it awed me constantly. Not surprisingly, when she was hours old I tried to savor every minute of that newness. I knew it wouldn't last and I didn't want to take a second of it for granted. And I thought about the day that she would turn five. I wondered what she would be like. What would her personality be like? Would she love to dance and sing? What would her favorite color be? Would she be a Tom boy or girly girl? Would she love dresses or hate them? Would she keep her highlighted hair and blue eyes?

Well here we are. My little one is five. I have a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes.

Here she is.

More beautiful and wonderful than I could ever have imagined. She is creative and artsy, but doesn't like a mess, especially on her hands.

She is girly right to the core. Dresses must be fancy, "twirly" and worn everyday.

She is kind and caring. She has always shared well and taken care of others.
But she is the boss, and don't you forget it!

I can't believe all the memories that you can make in 5 years. I will never forget raspberry picking with her. 3 years old an already an addiction!

She has always loved the beach. This is her first time at the beach with her feet in the sand.

And her first Pumpkin Festival at the farm.
She's the cutest little pumpkin in the patch!

Ug, that ridiculous Dora hat that started it all! That hat was a gift from her Uncle Matt.
Before that, she didn't know who Dora was.
She quickly learned and fell in love.

And the unforgettable "TRIANGLE"!
Ask me about that sometime.

Five years. I can't believe it. I knew it would go by fast, but that was really fast.

Happy Birthday Baby Girl! The first five have been incredible. We have loved watching you grow and learn. We are excited to continue to experience life with you. And this is our prayer for you: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God. (Philippians 1:9)

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

*This is a catch-up blog post. Larissa turned 5 in November 2010