The Scariest Day Of My Life

Yesterday: a pivotal point in my life. When my worst fears were realized and I saw my litmus test to the faith I attest to.

It was supposed to be a routine check-up at the optometrist. I was even on time! We were the first appointment, arriving at 8:30am.

Up hopped Olivia, first to go bravely into the big black chair. Proudly, she followed all of the Doctor's instructions and showed him how she knew her letters. Down she came, and up hopped Larissa.

"Take this and cover your eye here and read to me the letters you see in the mirror", he said. Searching for anything, she was unsuccessful to find something to focus on.

"Larissa hunny, up here", I snapped and waved in front of the mirror.

And forever engraved in my memory she said, "Mommy, you know that I can't see out of this eye. I've told you."

Stunned. Shocked. Nauseous. Terrified. Breathless. Dizzy.

My baby can't see, at all, out of her right eye. And I didn't even know it.

I sat there doing my best to stay calm and present cool with one babe-in-arms and two others watching me from their chairs for a reaction.

Like THAT every moment and memory was more precious and valuable.
Like THAT the reality that I live with an illusion of control hit me.
Like THAT I questioned God's love and goodness. Everything I have felt Him teaching me all year flashed before my eyes. I could make myself say it, but I wasn't sure I could truly believe it. What is faith? And do I have any?

Our Optometrist, Dr. Coates, was incredible. He made her his priority and pulled in another Doctor for a second opinion and ran all the tests that hew was able. She is being referred to a specialist and we saw our family doctor today.

For now, we can rule nothing out. But from what they can see, both doctors say that their best guess is that this is something she was born with.

Dr. Coates called me at home today to let me know that he was unable to get through to the specialist today but will try again Monday morning and that Larissa remains his top priority. He said there is definately retinal disruption, but it doesn't appear to be detached, which may give her a slight bit of hope at some level of recovery of sight in her eye. I made it clear that my BEST case scenario is that she never sees anything out of that eye. We only care that nothing else is causing this.

I could already write ten blogs about what I have learned in 30 hours. Finding alone time on my computer makes it difficult to do so, but I'm hoping to share it.

I have a lot more peace today. I'm going with that!