Going Into The Pit

Before all of this happened last week, I had already been really pondering a lot about this illusion of control that we have.

While we sure do have what feels like a lot of it- the things which we can't control are just so enormous it begins to feel like we have none.

I know that this isn't like we have a child with cancer or something. But thinking that something is causing this in her - and what that could be - well, that's just the thing, you know? The fear of the unknown is oh so paralyzing.

When I first found out on Thursday, I had to be somewhere after the appointment. I parked at my friend, Nicole's. When I went to pick the car up she lovingly invited me in and we cried together, prayed together, and shared some of the realities of our hearts.

I confessed that I just couldn't keep myself from visiting the worst of the worst places in my mind. Rather than tell me to 'stay positive' or tell me that 'the power of life and death is in the tongue' she encouraged me to "go to The Pit".

When her son, Andrew was born with no blood and things weren't hopeful (medically speaking), it was The Pit where she faced her worst fears. It's also when she felt she had been able to be real with her emotions and then find space to say, "God, I trust you."

That night, as I laid beside and talked with my best friend, through sobs I explained how going there - to the worst of the worst - was showing me how little I really trust God with our children. It's easy to say, "God, our kids are yours and we trust you with them", and "God, do what you want with our family". But did I mean it?

Going through this was allowing me to search every corner of my soul to find faith. Do I really believe that God is good? Is God love?
And what if...
what if....
what if.

The Pit, for me, became a place where I was finding true relationship with my Creator. There I am completely naked and transparent. It's there that I visit my darkest place and make the choice to throw my hands up in surrender - to trust, to hope.

If I needed a test to see where I was on the faith scale, this was sure it.

I am already grateful for it. I obviously hope my 'pit days' will be fewer and further between, but I am thankful for this experience. The hard times are what make or break us. The hard times require me to realize how very little control I have and to live in the moments - a step at a time.

In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps
Proverbs 16:9