I have been thinking a lot about why I blog - because the truth is that it is a scrambled, messy assortment of what is going on in my head. I don't mean for it to be. But I am like an addict when it comes to honest expression. I just can't deny some things that I am thinking and feeling.
(I am just being honest, ha ha)
I have written before about wanting to express, having a creative space, wanting to share some of our endeavors in homeschooling (and prove to the doubters that we are capable and our kids are not only SOCIALIZED but educated!). And then I have had to have follow-up blog postings, apologizing because I may have offended some by talking about what my kids are doing. I write, I offend, I ask, I doubt, ....and then that's what it is: a mess.
I want so badly to write honestly. It bugs me to no end when I read blogs that are all pollished and nice and neatly done. You know, the shoes are shined, the shelves are dusted. Maybe that is the way that some people are. They never question things (especially of faith!), they aren't opinionated, they never raise their voice to their children or feel frustrated, and the cute confessions of laundry piles and stacks of dishes don't compensate for me. You know, the perfect mother/housewife deal. I'm too honest for that. I want to be all of Proverbs 31 and more! But I'm not there yet. I have a long ways to go.
When I read something like A Holy Experience I feel like I am reading about my dream-self. The person that I dream about being. The life I always dreamed I would have when I was "older" and "all grown up". And then I feel terrible guilt and embarassement about the things I write about. I so badly want to be an encouragement. I so badly want to write about things that matter, that will bless and edify Creation. But I just can't shut myself up. There's too much going on in my head most times and I need a place to spit it out.
So now I am regretting not starting a cute little blog that is all flowers and embedded with creatively expressed Truth.
And I regret not starting a secret blog that would be just for me and the lucky strangers who would stumble across it. That would be my "safe place" to puke out all my questions and thoughts. Maybe I will. Maybe I will start a new, secret blog and transfer anything I've written as on opinion or questioning there. And here you will see the shiny, spiritual, mature, happy homeschooling housewife.
See, I am a mess! :) Love me or leave me I guess.
Don't worry, I confuse myself!
2 comments:
Hi Paula,
I just read your blog entry (Lance is reading bedtime stories to Sienna, so I have a sweet moment of relaxation!), and feel like I need to comment. You've presented a vulnerable and transparent self on your blog, and I've appreciated it so much. I love hearing your opinions on matters, and reading about (or seeing) the happenings of your family. But it is one of those things, huh, where you push the "publish" button, and there's really no turning back-- your thoughts, your words are out there, inviting feedback and criticism. I have to admit, I'm still biting my nails, waiting for an acquaintance of mine to "approve" a comment that I wrote on her blog, questioning a few of her opinions on poverty. It wasn't at all a negative thing, but she had actually asked for feedback, and I saw some holes in her logic, and pointed out other possible perspectives. But now I wonder if I've offended her. And I know that I shouldn't worry about it, but I do. So I can understand your concern about your own opinions expressed on your blog. Anyway, I just wanted to encourage you to continue blogging-- you have quite the gift of spiritual insight, and even if I (or anybody else, for that matter) find myself not in total agreement over a certain matter, at the very least, it challenges me to clarify what it is that I believe, and why. I've thought about the fact, too, that when your daughters get older, they'll probably LOVE reading their mom's ponderings, and the words of love spoken about them. Anyway, feel free to post or not post this comment (I won't be biting my nails over this one!). Hope you have a wonderful day!
Love from afar,
Rachael
ps- I read the "Holy Experience" blog, too, after you had posted the link. My husband had a similar homeschooling, and small-farm growing up experience, so it was interesting to read the entry. Definitely made me think about the things that we idealize, and the unique, but equally valid and beautiful lives that exist in this world. Maybe I'll blog about it!:O) Keep an eye out!
Rachael, thank you so much for your kind words to press on. I also have this disease in which I worry, constantly about what others are thinking. If I could wave a magic stick and make my brain stop thinking so much, I might. I feel too strongly about some things to just keep it in, while other times I just don't have enough self-control to keep every expression and opinion to myself! ha!
Now, what is this about YOUR blog? Do you blog? You said that you were thinking about starting one, but I didn't know that you had! Please send me your link, I would absolutely love to hear your insights and keep up with what's going on in your heart! :)
love you sister! xoxoxo
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