Giving Thanks - And Sometimes Not

Yes, I am thankful. Let me just get that out there loud and clear. I am SO thankful. I have SO MUCH to be thankful for! I truly truly do. I know how blessed I am. I know to be thankful for my (albeit small) home and shelter- I've seen families living in literal dumps. I have watched marriages crumble and families ripped apart - I am so grateful for a loving, sacrificing, serving, humble, gentle, godly husband. I am healthy. I am alive. Believe me, I AM GRATEFUL and not a day goes by that I don't give thanks to the One from whom I know it all comes.

But I'm taking the risk to share this: there is a lot that I am not thankful for:

• I am not thankful that the budget is always tight.
• I am not thankful that (not including in-laws) I pretty much have no family - my mom and I that is. I hate having no family. And I hate having family that just doesn't care.
• I am not grateful for fake family - people who say we are like family, but really we aren't.
• I am not thankful that my mom is always in pain.
• I am not thankful that I have no one to help me help her.
• I am not thankful that my cottage is gone.
• I am not thankful for famine and civil unrest in much of the world.

Yes, I can make an entire list of things for which I am ungrateful.

I recognize in myself a tendency to draw to the dark side. Sometimes, the spiral happens so fast that I'm in too deep to recognize that I've even gone there. And it takes all my strength and will power to fight it out - to literally talk myself out of it.

Here's what usually happens:
1. I recognize that deep sadness and the parade of thoughts that flood my mind of all the things that I am unhappy about.
2. I recognize.
3. I tell myself there's a way out.
4. I get alone, by myself for a few minutes.
5. I often tell God EXACTLY how I'm feeling
6. I let myself feel what I'm feeling for a few minutes.
7. I start listing everything that I'm so upset about.
8. Whether I feel like it or not, I start listing the things that inevitably I start thinking about that I SHOULD be grateful for.
9. As I list, I actually become grateful.
10. As I dwell on the good, the darkness fades. LIGHT! At the end of the tunnel.

And so:

• I am thankful we have a paycheck to make a budget with.
• I am thankful for the family that I do have and that I will always put my family first while watching out for others who also have little family.
• I am so thankful for friends as good as family (if not better!).
• I'm still not grateful my mom is in pain, but grateful for the things available to help her manage.
• I am thankful that I am able to help her. I am thankful to give back to her even a fraction of all the times she has cared for me and mine, sacrificing all the way.
• I miss my cottage, but I am thankful thinking about Landon around wild animals and a lake to walk into....
• I am thankful to live in the country I do and for all the ministries, missionaries and organizations that are in those suffering that I can stand behind in prayer and support.

Thankful? Yes I am.

After all, it's all in your perspective.